The Theatrical Journalist

Improv, Comedy, Women, Melbourne and everything in between.

8 Essential New Years Resolutions

Healthy Resolutions

Take the stairs

Get fit and active while getting to places by swapping the escalators for some stairs. Also, you’ll need to be fit and strong when the time is right. You’ll know.

Drink Green Tea instead of Coffee

Green tea boosts your metabolism and hydrates you, making it a great substitute for coffee as there will be a global shortage after the apocalypse.

Prepare your meals on Sunday Nights

Preparing your meals ahead of time limits the chances of you starving during the impending apocalypse.

Get out of your comfort zone

Take some risks! Soon you won’t have a choice because the apocalypse is coming, but you might as well get used to that amazing adrenaline rush you experience when your life is in danger!

Sign up for a dance or art class

When the apocalypse comes, you never know when your new found creative skills will come in handy to please our new overlords. Who knows, it might just make you the favourite slave! #goals #believe

Stop skipping breakfast

Eating a healthy breakfast kick starts your digestive system and your metabolism. Plus you’ll need the fuel when you’re building those illuminati pyramids for our new overlords.

Save money

Not that it’s going to matter when the apocalypse comes because the currency will be obsolete, but the more money you spend on creative classes and your image, the more you’ll impress our new evil overlords and win that coveted spot as fave slave. Make ’em say “UGH #PERF” when they see you slaving away.

Schedule some “me” time

Setting some time aside for yourself lets the growing spawn of satan inside you know that you’re also an independent person sometimes, you know?

Happy New Year! xx


2 comments on “8 Essential New Years Resolutions

  1. Satori Sisters
    January 4, 2015

    awesome! 🙂

  2. Ezra May
    January 13, 2015

    This is just what I needed today! Will try to implement (though I accidentally skipped breakfast today…).

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This entry was posted on January 4, 2015 by in Satire and tagged , , , , , , , , , .
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